my heart fucking hurts. my brain hurts. my body is tired. i dont understand. i do though. i have felt so completely miserable living in CT for a while. every morning i wake up and can barely drag myself out of bed to go to a job that i absolutely despise. a job that that requires no thought to do whatsoever and just makes me think about my life for 8 hours a day. its so unbelievably draining and almost every day after work i come home and just lay on the couch and maybe nap or drown everything out with netflix. the only thing that happens is the days when i get to go play magic.
I have been wanting to move away for a while now and have mentioned it to Chris because i know he is also planning on moving or something. But now hes going to philly and moving in with greg and holly which means i am shit out of fucking luck there. i tried to go to sleep just now but cant do anything but stare at my wall. all these doors are just closing and there is nothing i can do. chris cant even text me back when i tell him im freaking out. am i bad friend? do i deserve all this shit? i feel like i do try and give myself to my friends. i know im an asshole but i really try to limit that to people im comfortable with and never in serious way. anybody that asks me for something i try as hard as i can to do it. i know im not the best at verbal affirmation of feelings with my friends, but i think my actions most of the time show i care. but my friends cant even text me back. i mean fuck, greg was one of my best friends for almost 10 years, but now he only texts me when he needs a favor. im just a person that has a floor that bands can sleep on to him now. even living at this house isnt working out how i thought it would. too much stuff has happened between me and sean to be comfortable around each other. terry now spends most of his time with work friends and stuff, i dont blame him and drew has basically done the same except doesnt text or ask to hangout even when he isnt busy. these people i was able to spend 4-5 days a week with i havent seen in weeks. I cant even remember the last time i hung out with just chris without it being a group hangout with leah or playing games at the shop. i feel like nobody simply wants to be friends with me. i cant deal with this anymore. this is why i need to get out but i cant even fucking do that. fuckk.and I somehow have to focus on getting ready for GP Richmond tomorrow ugh